Breaking News: Mr. Chiarella Confirmed to Actually be a Chia Pet

Anna Tache

Editorial Editor

It has come to our attention at the Pressed Bear that many Hammond students have uncovered a secret about Hammond teacher Mr. Chiarella: he is not human, but actually a Chia Pet. For those that don’t know what a Chia Pet is, it is a terracotta figurine in which one grows chia to serve as hair or fur. This shocking information was uncovered by Junior Carlos O’Ryan, who stumbled upon evidence on accident. “When he went to pull back his hair, I saw his head was made of terracotta and something seemed to be sprouting out of it. So, as one would, I made the assumption that he was a Chia Pet. I mean, it was in his name all along! Chia-rella? I’m surprised it took me so long to realize.”

Guest Speaker

When this information spread, many people seemed to be surprised by this revelation. However, one student in particular, Junior Isaiah Olujide, seemed to unphased by this news. “I knew it all along. Have you ever seen that man without long, beautiful, billowing hair? I don’t think so. His hair just keeps growing and growing. If he cut it, you’d see grass on his scalp. It’s just science.”

After hearing this news, Mr. Chiarella had some words to say himself. “I have heard that students have been accusing me of being a Chia Pet. To this, I say: you should mind your own business.” As Mr. Chiarella said this to one of our reporters at the Pressed Bear, he scratched his head, and according to that reporter, chia seeds fell from his head.

All in all, the students of Hammond have found a surplus of convincing evidence that suggests that Mr. Chiarella has been hiding that he is secretly a Chia Pet. Regardless of how many times he can deny it, we all know it’s true.

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