SGA: Seizing the Means of Seating

Carlos O’Ryan

Online Editor

Hammond High School is soon going to implement a new behavioral policy in late April, assigned seats in the cafeteria during all lunch shifts.

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The Student Government Association has been pushing for this policy for quite some time. Their reasoning lies within one of the group’s most beloved ventures, Mix-It-Up Day, where students are encouraged/forced into sitting with new people at lunch, and making new acquaintances. However, the SGA (Student Government Association), previously known as the USSR (United Socialist Student Regime), has not been able to prevent illegal trading of Mix-It-Up Day table colors. To stop this apparent insult to their totalitarian regime from occurring, one of their most respected members came up with a solution. The agency’s supreme leader, known as Tori “Vladimir Putin” Vander Putten proposed that assigned seats at lunch would be the baptism of fire that this school needed to be whipped into shape. “Think about it,” said Putin, fiddling with her gold chain pridefully, “If we make these spoiled capitalist pigs, I mean, my peers, sit in an assigned seat at lunch everyday, then they will want to actually participate in Mix-It-Up Day, they will have no choice but to obey our every command.”

However, the SGA is currently dealing from pushback on all sides, especially from the Music Department, a new group of radical rebels. Any student that wishes to sit wherever they want is welcome in the band-room or the choir-room where they may find asylum and refuge. The SGA does not have jurisdiction in the Music Hallway, but Putin is eager to change that policy and to increase her chokehold on the school.

The new policy will go into effect on April 19th, and will even extend to the front of the school, where students will be able to opt out of the cafeteria in favor of an assigned spot on the grass. The SGA continues to commit numerous students rights violations every single day, while the school turns a blind eye to their apparent lunch crimes.

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