Tori Vander Putten
HCPSS Board of Education has come together and decided to make a major change to the high school system; there will be a 13th grade, meaning that there will be five years of high school. Following the successful pattern of the Wallowa County School System in Oregon and Grästorp in Sweden, Hammond High School will be the pilot school for the county and the students in the class of 2022 will be the first ‘thirteeniors’ to graduate.
Research has shown that most seniors either do not receive admission from their top schools or they do not believe that they are ready for college so they take a gap year. In order to decrease the amount of students who deal with either of these obstacles Hammond’s 13th grade will provide classes that are focused on preparing students for life beyond high school. Mr. Seibel, the ninth grade administrator, noted that the fifth year of high school “will include English 13 and Advanced Algebra GT for all students as a way to prepare students for a technology-driven world.” Before the entire county switches to this program HCPSS has decided to select Hammond as the dry-run because it was chosen as the School of Opportunity last year and this is an opportunity to improve the school, the county, and even the state.
Hammond High School is soon going to implement a new behavioral policy in late April, assigned seats in the cafeteria during all lunch shifts.
The Student Government Association has been pushing for this policy for quite some time. Their reasoning lies within one of the group’s most beloved ventures, Mix-It-Up Day, where students are encouraged/forced into sitting with new people at lunch, and making new acquaintances. However, the SGA (Student Government Association), previously known as the USSR (United Socialist Student Regime), has not been able to prevent illegal trading of Mix-It-Up Day table colors. To stop this apparent insult to their totalitarian regime from occurring, one of their most respected members came up with a solution. The agency’s supreme leader, known as Tori “Vladimir Putin” Vander Putten proposed that assigned seats at lunch would be the baptism of fire that this school needed to be whipped into shape. “Think about it,” said Putin, fiddling with her gold chain pridefully, “If we make these spoiled capitalist pigs, I mean, my peers, sit in an assigned seat at lunch everyday, then they will want to actually participate in Mix-It-Up Day, they will have no choice but to obey our every command.”
As of 22 March 2019, policy 9209 was implemented and began to be enforced across Howard County schools.
Better known as the “Disciplinary Measures for Student-Committed Traffic Violations” policy, this protocol is the newest addition to Howard County policies, and has already begun its enforcement across HoCo schools.
Starting next year there will be a new winter sport coming to Howard County; arm wrestling will officially be considered a Hammond varsity sport. There has been a lot of argument as to whether arm wrestling could officially be embraced as a league and be played throughout the county but after much argument the board has allowed arm wrestling to be a sport played by all schools throughout the county.
The number of complaints from parents skyrocketed after the release of the live-action Aladdin trailer in March 2019. Due to the level of fear the trailer caused, the movie was forced to stop production and its release is now officially cancelled.
The complaints of worrisome parents as well as celebrities were constant after the appearance of Will Smith as the Genie came to play in the latest trailer. Children all across the globe, from California to Brazil, reported having nightmares, stating that they thought the Will Smith Genie was hiding in their closets.
The cries of the parents and kids alike to terminate the movie, especially if the Genie would look so demonic in every scene, were highly supported by famous celebrities, who seemed to want the movie terminated as well. When the trailer was shown at the 2019 Grammy awards, the celebrity-filled audience seemed thoroughly horrified at the appearance of a blue, CGI Genie.
Celebrities at the 2019 Grammy awards had a lot to say after seeing the blue-skinned Genie for only a few seconds in the trailer. Donald Glover (also known as Childish Gambino) commented, “Will, my friend, what are you doing, man? Are you trying to scare little kids? Tell the producers to change it up.”
Sleep is the best medicine, right? The school administration thinks so. Therefore, Bear Time, the thirty minute block that is held on Wednesdays, will cease to exist. Instead of doing homework or studying, students will snooze for thirty minutes. The name of the new block: Nap Time. During Nap Time, nobody will talk and smartphones will be tucked away. Around the school and in each classroom, the lights will be turned off. Kids will stay in the classrooms so that they can focus on relaxation and cut down on the stress that school brings.
As most of us already know, sleep is very important. Sleep is food for the brain and it allows your body to rest. For students, in particular, sleep is vital. We should be sleeping for 8 to 12 hours each night. According to a study conducted by the National Sleeping Foundation, only 15% of students across America routinely sleep for 8 to 12 hours on a nightly basis. Not getting enough sleep limits a student’s ability to learn, listen, concentrate, and solve problems. Acne, aggressive behavior, unhealthy eating habits, and getting ill are also consequences of not getting enough sleep.
It has come to our attention at the Pressed Bear that many Hammond students have uncovered a secret about Hammond teacher Mr. Chiarella: he is not human, but actually a Chia Pet. For those that don’t know what a Chia Pet is, it is a terracotta figurine in which one grows chia to serve as hair or fur. This shocking information was uncovered by Junior Carlos O’Ryan, who stumbled upon evidence on accident. “When he went to pull back his hair, I saw his head was made of terracotta and something seemed to be sprouting out of it. So, as one would, I made the assumption that he was a Chia Pet. I mean, it was in his name all along! Chia-rella? I’m surprised it took me so long to realize.”
When this information spread, many people seemed to be surprised by this revelation. However, one student in particular, Junior Isaiah Olujide, seemed to unphased by this news. “I knew it all along. Have you ever seen that man without long, beautiful, billowing hair? I don’t think so. His hair just keeps growing and growing. If he cut it, you’d see grass on his scalp. It’s just science.”
With the plans of a renovation, Hammond wants a whole new start. They decided the best way to start anew would be by changing the our school mascot! Yes, ladies and gentlemen: it’s time to say “goodbye” the Golden Bear and “hello” to the next new face of the school! The best part about the new mascot is that the students of Hammond will get to choose what it will be. The mascot will be chosen via a poll.