By Chinaza Ezeh

Staff Writer

On the second day of November, in the year of two thousand and three, the lives of thousands of Americans and their posterity changed forever. This is because, on this day, the very first episode of the American television sitcom Arrested Development aired nationwide.

The critically-acclaimed Fox show features an ensemble cast with big names: Jason Bateman, Jessica Walters, and David Cross, to name a few. But, the name that means the most among all of them is that of the Canadian, Michael Cera.

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Michael Cera (left) getting licked by a dog. Photo Credit: Encore NI

At this point, you may be asking yourself: the reason Arrested Development is the greatest show to ever grace American television is because Michael Cera was on it?” The answer would be, yes, yes it is… and here’s how.

As aforementioned, Michael Cera is Canadian by birth. Now, anyone familiar with the geography of the earth knows that the country of Canada resides directly above the country of the United States of America. Anyone familiar with any hierarchy system knows that anyone in a position above another is deemed greater than the other, in whatever capacity. Therefore, since Michael Cera is Canadian, and since Canada is above the United States, it can be concluded that Michael Cera is better than the United States of America. Now, what kind of power does one single man who is better than an entire country hold? Great power. And what comes with great power? Great responsibility. Since Michael Cera is a fine, upstanding Canadian citizen, it is not a surprise that he has accepted such responsibility with lanky, open arms… in the form of improving the quality of life for countless Americans using the always reliable medicine: laughter.

Most of Michael Cera’s career has been composed of comedic roles, some larger than others. In fact, Michael Cera’s first ever role with lines was in a Pillsbury commercial, in which he poked the Pillsbury Doughboy, causing him to laugh. So clearly, it can be seen that Cera, even at a young age, had accepted his responsibility.

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Michael Cera (left) poking the Pillsbury Doughboy. Photo Credit: YouTube

Of course, every single one of Michael Cera’s roles is a beautiful testament to his commitment to brightening people’s lives. But, naturally, not every single one of these roles can be the “greatest thing to ever grace American television.” The factor that gives Arrested Development this title has to do with the duration of time Michael Cera has spent on the project, as well as his overall impact on it. And when it all comes down to it, Arrested Development is the project that Michael Cera has spent the most time and had the greatest impact on, as he has appeared in 84 episodes in sixteen years since the show’s premiere.

Michael Cera’s impact on any given project can be measured using what is called a “Cera-meter,” a recent device created by the most renowned scientists and mathematicians in Canada. When the Cera-meter is held up to any device playing anything that Michael Cera has worked on, it in turn produces a mC level (not to be confused with pH level) reading, indicating how deeply involved Cera was on the project. The greater the reading on the Cera-meter, the more dopamine will be released by the viewer. When the device was used to measure the mC level of Arrested Development, the readings went off the charts. When asked to share reports of these readings, scientists respectfully declined, stating that the reports contained information that detailed the production and development of the Cera-meter, which is still patent-pending after being rejected by the patent office three times, due to “absolute absurdity.” Despite this setback, scientists are determined to secure a patent, and are more than willing to release the reports once this is achieved.

There you have it: irrefutable, science-based evidence as to why Arrested Development is a gift straight from heaven (AKA, Canada). The next time someone asks you what the best show to ever grace American television is, you’ll know exactly what to say.